In the infinity of life, where I am, all is perfect whole and complete.   Louise Hay

Hello February, I didn’t think I’d give a damn whether your notorious reputation for love and the promise of warmer weather came through or not. But here I am ready to move forward.

Forward from what?  Just shy of fourteen years ago, two fearful, beautiful, lost, then found, dogs made their way from Little Rock, Arkansas to Mahwah, New Jersey via the universe is unfolding in your favor express.  They were a handful in the best of circumstances, these were really the worst of circumstances having left a marriage and moved to a condo that had very little furniture because unencumbered was big in those days.  I’ll leave that there. We worked hard, we three, we learned and set boundaries and learned more and began a life that would envy any fairy tale…minus the prince. We three were a pack. The pack lost a member when Lina died. The pack was still strong even in its heartbreak.

All credit for that goes to Toti Nonna, the glue, the care giver, the boss of us all. Or so I thought.  She took care of her sister until she breathed her last breath. Then she took care of her Gramma until she too breathed her last breath. I believed I would be next in the line of recipients.  What I began to realize was that Toti had been taking care of me by taking care of them.  Now we were it, she and me, mutual caring to the very end.

The very end came on January 28^th, 2022. She had simply grown old beyond her capabilities.  She had left it all in my hands. She believed I was ready, I wasn’t. I had never had more than 6 days without her on Stowe Lane, I’m here almost 14 years. My only capability was sobbing, in my pajamas every day, sometimes showering sometimes who gave a shit.  It was just me, going nowhere.

People were kind.  The core was surrounding me at arm’s length because they knew like they knew to leave me the hell alone.  I don’t do well in consolation, I do my work in isolation. But I do my work. And I am eternally grateful for their tiny pokes.

Thankfully, there has always been a moment in time for me to know my work is done.  I had cried a river and the river had run dry or changed course or simply returned to within its banks.   Toti and I will always be joined at the heart, she and I are the same; we take care of people, things, and situations. We herd people, figuratively and literally, into what is best for them because naturally only we know what that is…

She’s everywhere in this home, in my phone, in my writing, God knows Instagram nearly killed me but now I smile.  I’m a little pissed that Gramma got her back but my guess is Gramma needed her for something and I’m not going to question what. I promised Toti I’d save another one, I’m keeping my promise in Miss Piper who arrived on Stowe Lane less than a week ago.  You’ll hear more about her in the near future, she’s a great story too.

Mom

Yes Toti?

Well done…

Thank you Toti, you can rest now.