Today it was my honor to attend a reunion, of sorts, between my friend Jay and the colleagues he hasn’t really seen since he’d been diagnosed with cancer. His cancer has since become terminal.  He visited his workplace and surprised (kind of, the word seemed to have gotten out) many of them in the midst of their workday.  They gathered around him in a mix of excitement, tentativeness and love.  This is a man truly well-loved and very much missed at this dealership.  This man is an anomaly; a gentleman in the car business. 

The word terminal hangs in the air without much belief to most, but Jay understands.  He has conversations with God and prays for solace and forgiveness.  All of which is unnecessary as Jay is not in any danger of being on God’s bad side.  This is a true family man, a gentle soul who’s guided many of these colleagues for dozens of years.  He will continue to pray, to drink his goji juice and exude optimism simply because that’s who he is and he is, indeed, at peace.

He understands his peace is a blessing to him but he worries for those left behind.  The gentleness he showed to his colleagues as their emotions ran the gamut of excitement, sorrow, discomfort, and unease was as remarkable as any of us would have expected.  He was the comforter no longer needing to be comforted himself.

This is what I love about Jay.  Always pragmatic, always fully grounded in reality he just knows how to live and be in the world and when he does leave us we can take many lessons from him.  Love your family, live by example and leave the world a better place.

So there he was holding court, giving each person the attention they needed in a setting that gave him just a bit of “normal” to take home with him to the hospice nurses and the hospital bed.  Of course, I had to give him a bit of the car hag in me as just a bit more normal for him to laugh about and hold on to.

As for grace, thy name is Wanda.  I love meeting someone for the first time and knowing that we are already old friends.  I love being able to give someone something so personal and unrelated to their current circumstances that it will come to define their present anguish but transition to their future comfort. I will be here for Wanda well into the future whether she chooses to call on me or not.  I raise a glass to you my friend and look out over my enchanted forest with you in mind.

I will keep texting Jay and posting to their caring-bridge until there is really nothing left to say.  But I can hear Jay, a devoted Beatles fan, listening and knowing that his legacy and our love for him will indeed be spread across the universe.

Sounds of laughter shades of life
are ringing through my open ears
exciting and inviting me
Limitless undying love which
shines around me like a million suns
It calls me on and on across the universe…john Lennon

Someone asked me today if they should send a thank you for an interview they had recently.  The interview brought a smile to their face when they told me it was one of the best interviews they ever had. But…they didn’t want to seem over the top.  My initial reaction was that you should never hesitate to say thank you.  If you’re grateful then you should show it.  The old cliché of what goes out will come back to you tenfold remains true.

But all this talk of gratitude; what does it feel like?

• The smile that comes to your face when you walk in your door.
• The smile that comes to your face when tears come to your sister’s eyes after she discovers you’ve cleaned her house while she was at work.  Even if she’s threatening to take away your key……not.
• The smile that comes to your face at the dogs running from one end of your apartment to the other when you get home from work.
• The smile that comes to your face every time you realize (over and over) that you’re fulfilling your dear friend’s dying request.
• The smile that comes to your face when spring brings perennial blooms.  The perennials that were sent by friends when you put out the “can ya help a gardener” email.
• The smile that comes to your face when your best friend loves your idea for her website’s tag line.
• The smile that comes to your face when you cross the Sagimore Bridge on to the Cape.
• The smile that comes to your face when you find an Adirondack chair outside the dumpster that only needs a few screws and some paint to make it fabulous.
• The smile that comes to your face when every single unexpected thank you that you deliver is met with a thank you back.  Best one was the “thank you for doing a wonderful job on my porch” and the  coffee I offered to the mason fixing my front porch who got a pretty good beating from me the day before for stomping my flowers.  A stuttering thank you is especially endearing.

The point is that anything that brings a smile to your face can be considered a thing of gratitude.  You don’t have to say it out loud you just have to feel that smile spread across your face changing your whole demeanor and bringing you to that place of knowing you’re grateful.  Gratitude is heartwarming, fulfilling and contagious.  The more gratitude you have the more you will find to be grateful for.  I know like I know that I am thankful every day for the life I now lead, it truly brings a smile to my face.

That’s what you hope to hear when you dial in to your voice mail at work.  You hope that one message can be answered quickly so that you can get on with your day.  You expect to be off and running without any additional tasks. 

 What you don’t expect is to hear your former VPs voice checking to see if you’re OK a few months after you’ve lost a dear friend. It’s one of those voice mails that slows down time and makes you appreciate that some people really do care, for you and for the friend we’ve lost. 

So how am I doing?  I think of Cookie often and going forward was harder than I thought it would be at first.  I miss our friend but I’m still surrounded by his family and friends and we share something about him almost daily.  I know that disabled was not his style and that he is probably “shooting hoops with Ryan” at this very moment.

As for my voice mail, thank you Gene.  For being one of those people who cares enough to make the call that slowed down time long enough to remember that what we do is “just cars”.  For being VP enough to know that you are managing real people not numbers, and for keeping me in your thoughts and prayers.  I remain in debt to you for all you’ve done for me and in awe of you for your continued kindess.   I’m doing just fine.

At any given time one of my people are going through something.  They might be coping with a loss of someone dear to them, a breakup of a relationship, the despair of an aging parent, or just feeling weary. Yes, I’m talking to you.

 I think of them all the time, I send my love and prayers but I never ask God to give them what they want.  I ask God to give them what they need.  I’ve learned that most times what you want and what you need are entirely different.  It’s unfortunate that you have no way of knowing that until you’ve received what you actually need.  That has been the basis of every ah-ha moment I’ve ever experienced. 

And I don’t worry about them because they are all strong.  And of course, I believe if I worry about them that will just bring me more to worry about instead of bringing me the good news that they are coming around.  Call that what you will, it works for me.

I picture them taking five minutes to sit with a cup of tea or coffee.  Just five minutes to close their eyes, smell the aroma, feel the warmth coming through the cup and shut their minds off.  I picture them concentrating on a sip at a time and truly tasting the rich or soothing flavors.  I picture a thought of me coming into their heads knowing that I pray for them and send as much love as I can so that they might find a smile and an exhale.

Final: That which is last; that which forms an end or a termination. 

I guess if you’re going to begin a new life you must first terminate your old life.  Up until now I’ve been going along on my own just thinking my wonderful new life had already begun.  That wasn’t exactly true.  I’ve moved, gotten new dogs, new furniture and new friends but there was no formal end to the old life. Is a formal end always necessary? Or can an old life flow into and out of the new one.  Can one take the best of the old life with them, like the nieces and nephews?  Or does everything need to be abandoned?  Is it abandonment or is it an understanding?  Like knowing you won’t be invited to the weddings but also knowing that you’ve left your mark on young lives and might still be a favorite Aunt that they seek out for Gramma’s old recipes.

Finals: The last, usually comprehensive, examination in a course of study.

When a divorce is final many times there is a reexamination of one’s life.  How’s it going; are you passing or failing?  In looking back over my marriage I wonder if I was the one who failed.  Not the marriage but myself.  Did I do the best I could for myself or did I abandon all I once believed? In order to…what?  Can a person get stuck in something in the name of love that will never be good for them?  Was it ever good for them?  What’s good for them now?

Finally: At last, eventually, after considerable delay.

I can truly breathe now; I have time now, to answer all the questions that continue to surround me.   Somehow, I thought the questions would be answered, that they would be easy and few.  But in fact, it is the questions that have actually become the answers.  If you’re not asking questions your entire life can you consider yourself curious?  Now finally I understand that it is the questions that provide the growth, the peace, the understanding.  The answers will only serve to move you to the next question and a better understanding, continued growth and the wonder of a curious life. Finally.