I am a lunatic. Not in the insane sense of the word but in the suffering from the belief that lunacy fluctuates with the phases of the moon, like this week for instance, sense of the word. It’s that everything gets blown out of proportion, am I doing anything right, every picture of me looks horrible, have I done enough for womankind, why do I always have to do everything on my own kind of lunacy.
It started with a request to pick a song to sum up our experience in Houston recently and all kinds of ideas flood your head. You come across the most amazing things when looking through old playlists; I mean really old playlists, like 1976 kind of old. A lot was happening then, for me, for women, for our country. I was in my twenties; working at a great job, thin, single (I wouldn’t meet himself until 1977) in my fabulous polyester shoulder padded pant suit the world was mine. I was part of the second wave of feminism and there was nothing holding me back. Barbra Streisand and Khris Khristopherson (who was incredibly hot at the time) were starring in the remake of A Star is Born which illustrated the feminism verses all in for love that was still a bit of a struggle for so many women. I was a huge fan of Streisand and her song Woman in the Moon became my mantra.
I was warned as a child of thirteen, not to act too strong
Try to look like you belong but don’t push, girl
Save your time and trouble, don’t misbehave
I was raised in a ‘No you don’t’ world, overrun with rules
Memorize your lines and move as directed
That’s an age old story, everybody knows that’s a worn out song
Ok so maybe I didn’t pay any attention to those things anyway but they were certainly prevalent.
I believe there’s a best of both worlds, mixing old and new
Recognizing change is seldom expected
As I long suspected, they believed that strange was a word for wrong
Well, not in my song ’cause you, you and I are changing that tune
We’re learning the rhythms from that woman in the moon
Here’s the thing, since I’m back from Houston I’m wondering where the hell am I going to find like-minded people. I’ve become strange, again. I’ve gotten myself so firmly ensconced in everyone’s life in a certain way that I wonder how I’m going to a)let them down easy when I really don’t feel like doing things the same old way and b) remove the armor I’ve built around me to find someone amazing to do things with. As my friend Sandra calls it, an Emory (I’ll save that for another post). I’ve come to this A and B because of a picture, one that, let’s just say didn’t show off my best side. What I initially did with this picture was dictated completely by the full moon, meaning I freaked out at just how big I’d gotten, how much I didn’t recognize myself, how much self-pity I could summon up for the lack of having anyone to “help” me. In other words why didn’t anyone want to play with me…Oh God it was ugly and completely ridiculous but don’t lie, you’ve had that same conversation with yourself at some point (probably under a full moon too). They say that it’s not what happens to you, it’s what you do with it. I took the picture and made it into something completely different, something I could relate to, something creative and I gave it to the people I trust. True to form they responded in kind, with a cheer and encouragement, not even knowing the circumstances of my momentary lunacy, well except for Sandra who has an uncanny way of just calling at the right moment.
The point is this, in 1976 I had everything in front of me, I was surrounded by like-minded people who were fighting for the very same thing, it was critical mass. I don’t have that now, but the words of that song still ring true for me. What a gift to be given a second chance at fulfilling that destiny with a mantra to boot. So now, yes I’m a lunatic, but I just might also be the Woman in the Moon.
‘Cause they can hold back the tide
But they can never hold the woman
I said, “The woman in the moon”
