Category Archives: Father’s Daughter Moments

Enough said…

Boredom

Posted on by

_DSC0279It is rare that I find myself bored; perhaps it’s a function of my age, how I grew up or my natural curiosity.  I’m always doing something and more often than not it’s usually devoid of technology.  Technology and I have come to an understanding. I think.  I get it, I use it, it doesn’t use me.  I have a baseline that I continue to come back to and that comes from really knowing myself.

York University professor John Eastwood explains that boredom is just “wanting to, but being unable to engage in satisfying activity.”  He goes on to distinguish boredom from apathy.  “The [bored] person is not engaged but wants to be.  With apathy, he said, there is no urge to do something.”

Richard Ralley, a lecturer in psychology at Edge Hill University in England who studied boredom, said it came to make a kind of sense: If people are slogging away at an activity with little reward, they get annoyed and find themselves feeling bored. If something more engaging comes along, they move on. If nothing does, they may be motivated enough to think of something new themselves. The most creative people, he said, are known to have the greatest toleration for long periods of uncertainty and boredom.

I think it’s important to realize that boredom isn’t necessarily a negative thing states Richard Louv, Co-Founder and Chairman Emeritus of the Children & Nature Network, there’s a big difference between a negatively numbed brain and a constructively bored mind. Constructive boredom stimulates creativity.  Constructively bored kids eventually turn to a book, or build a fort, or pull out the paints (or the computer art program) and create, or come home sweaty from a game of neighborhood basketball.  I feel like I’m still there, still self-directed, and inventive as Louv calls it.

It’s not impossible to achieve even if you don’t feel you’ve ever been there.  It doesn’t mean you’re boring if you’re bored, give it a twist and make it to your advantage.

If you find yourself in a meeting that just willll nottt endddd and you’re sure you will die of boredom, try doodling.  “I can’t tell you how important it is to draw,” says Sunni Brown. “It gets the neurons to fire and expands the mind.” Just why and how this happens is the topic of Brown’s recent book, The Doodle Revolution.

Studies have shown that doodling can free up short- and long-term memory, improve content retention and increase attention span. It can also produce creative insight, because “when the mind starts to engage with visual language, you get neurological access that you don’t have when you’re in a linguistic mode,” says Brown.  You could turn that meeting into a win for yourself. Just sayin.

Leave your phone behind for certain things.  When I walk the dog each morning I don’t take my phone or any technology, I simply walk.  I pay attention to where I’m going and what’s around me and I am engaged.  Here’s what I would have missed just this morning if I was looking at my phone or had ear buds in:

A whistle from the Aunt M’s deck that led to an invitation to breakfast.

Toto face first in the snow, several times, on purpose and a huge belly laugh and sigh of relief that she was playing (after losing Lina).

Hearing the scraping of a shovel stop abruptly to look over and see a worker looking up to the sky.  There were two Blue Jays in “dog fight” mode above us.  To me that’s a sure sign of spring.

070

Boredom is a self-reflective emotion you can get lost in and use to your advantage.  John Lennon understood it’s not just watching shadows on the wall you’re about to create.  Boredom teaches the brain to create if given the chance.

“I’m bored’ is a useless thing to say. I mean, you live in a great, big, vast world that you’ve seen none percent of. Even the inside of your own mind is endless; it goes on forever, inwardly, do you understand? The fact that you’re alive is amazing, so you don’t get to say ‘I’m bored.” ― Louis C.K.

Some of my most memorable legacy moments sprung from boredom, a ride with my father, a belly laugh with Cookie on a slow afternoon, new places to explore with camera in hand.  Boredom is the equivalent of “if life gives you lemons…” Try making some creative lemonade.

A Friend of the Family

Posted on by

DSC_0317What greater thing is there for human souls than to feel that they are joined for life – to be with each other in silent unspeakable memories. – George Eliot

One of the legacy links that I talk about all the time is to be that person.  And believe me I understand that you can be that person by being some form of “that guy” too, it isn’t always a positive thing.  Urban Dictionary defines family friend:  A person whom your parents know, from that job they had back in the day, whom they’ve never quite been able to shake off. This person will continually reappear at social gatherings involving other family friends, who all seem to just orbit around the periphery of your parents’ lives for years and years, like a fly buzzing around your head that simply won’t die.

So you’ve probably guessed I’m not talking about that family friend.  I’m talking about a family friend like Jeanette.  You’ve heard me talk about her for the last five years and I will continue to talk about her my whole life, she was that person.  So very much the mentor without ever even knowing it, I know we gravitated toward her like the magnet she was, I hope she knew the affection we had for her.

I’ve been trying to take that on myself, become a character and you can define that in whatever way you know me best.  I’ve been just trying to make my way in the world with the intention of living my life the way I want my story told.  I may never know what people think of me, I’ve convinced myself that what people say about me is none of my business.

But there is sometimes a magical moment when you get to find out what “family friend” means to a family.  When you have the distinct honor of being introduced as “our family friend” and the mere mention of those two words brings their arm around your shoulder.  The exhilaration is intoxicating.  And over whelming.

When I love you is said with such ease, when the care taken in choosing your seat was so important, when the way you are treated has been firmly established before you enter the room, when you enter the room and the people are genuinely excited to see you and were just a bit worried that you had gotten lost they exhaled.

These are the true indications that you are indeed a cherished family friend.  I don’t take this lightly, I am honored and will work tirelessly to insure that I will always have a wonderful story with these incredibly valuable people. Dare I say that I might be their Jeanette?

I attended this long overdue, bless that man who came along to become a husband, happily ever after function on my own, something I’m used to doing, but never once did I feel alone.  I had a lively conversation with the young man and his wife to my left, a heartwarming conversation with the beautiful new mother to my right, I danced with the best man and he might just tell the story of how he learned the hustle from me.

I was in awe of the bride and how simply stunning she was, how her brother walked her down the aisle, standing in for their beloved father who is no longer with us, and how her sister courageously walked down the aisle alone as the maid of honor. She, too, was incredibly beautiful. The mother of the bride was beaming and reassured that all would be right with her family. I was unable to be at the church and in some ways I’m relieved as just the vision of these three siblings supporting each other with such love brings a lump to my throat.  My friend would have been incredibly delighted of this evening.

The glory of friendship is not the outstretched hand, not the kindly smile, nor the joy of companionship; it is the spiritual inspiration that comes to one when you discover that someone else believes in you and is willing to trust you with a friendship. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

 

Father’s Navy Hammock

Posted on by

reading in the hammock

Imagine, if you will, growing up in an old-fashioned sort of family, in an old-fashioned sort of family`s back yard, with trees and grass and flower beds and a hammock strung between two maple trees in a far, shady corner. Imagine you and your friends, when no one else is around, swinging each other as high and as hard as you can, stopping only when one of you swings all the way around and ends up lying in a heap on the grass. – July 28, 1985|By Elizabeth Maupin, Orlando Sentinel

It wasn’t exactly like that but damn close.  My friends weren’t really interested in my Father’s old Navy hammock but I was.  In the dog days of summer it was heaven on earth lying in the shade of the two maples with a book.  Summers back then didn’t seem nearly as hot.  Our backyard had a lot of shade, a constant breeze and the old maple was always in motion, rustling, reaching for the sky.  I could stay there for hours; my Mother always knew where I was and never bothered me.  If I fell asleep in it, so be it.

back yard

I’ve been hearing lots of irritable remarks about the summer doldrums lately.  I admit I’m not a summer person but this summer seems more manageable to me somehow.  We’ve had a lot of rain and my garden isn’t complaining a bit.  We’ve had cool mornings that are conducive to coffee on the deck, especially with the overhead fan whirring, which has been practically unheard of in summers past.

099

I’ve become nostalgic for that hammock several times in my life.  My first apartment (a hundred years ago) was a third floor walkup with no air conditioning. The coolest part of the place was my tiny guest bedroom, or as I called it my sewing room. I often fantasized about hanging the old hammock in that room, coming home from work, taking a cool shower and crawling into it with a book. If I fell asleep in it, so be it.

Another time was in my first house.  We had a hammock but it was woven rope and it never seemed as comfortable to me as the old canvas one I knew as a kid.  It was a shame to have lost that poor thing to old age and rot.  If I recall correctly it was my Grandfather who was the one who wound up falling through it.

hooks overgrown

By the time our family no longer had any ties to the old house the maples had grown over the hooks that held up the hammock and only the memories of it remained.  There are days when the heat is high and the breeze is just enough that I would love to crawl back into that hammock and lose myself in a book.  That’s no longer an option but the memory of it serves as a reminder that summer is for using less energy, catching up on the slow things and enjoying obligatory lazing.

Turning Point…Community

Posted on by

163

It’s hard to believe I’ve been writing Ordinary Legacy for five years. Five years of pouring my heart out onto the page and into your lives with as much humor as I could stand or as much grace as I could muster. It’s been quite a journey through the moments in time that stopped my heart and restarted my life. I am so grateful for the day that started it all, sitting around a table with two women who, to this day, are dear to me in so many ways. The way they hardly knew each other but who knew me well enough to prod me on to just begin. And begin I did, and continue through I did, and now I feel I’ve reached a turning point. And isn’t that the way all changes begin? At some turning point, whether it’s a tragedy, a triumph, a loss or a gain? Ordinary Legacy is growing up and as almost all people and things mature they must evolve to stay relevant. They must become about something other than the original, something more.

More, more than me. Ordinary Legacy is transforming into a community. As defined by Dee Hock: “The essence of community, is heart and soul…Community is composed of that which we don’t attempt to measure, for which we keep no record and ask no recompense. Most are things we cannot measure no matter how hard we try.”

In the past few weeks I’ve learned so much about people and how they see themselves. I’ve learned to listen more closely to how they want their story told. I’ve learned that people tend to run up and over themselves in the day to day. As Gretchen Rubin is fond of saying, “The days are long but the years are short”. Is there a way to stop the years, no probably not. Is there a way to make them count, I’m sure of it. It’s been said that thinking just one minute beyond what’s happening now can both create or prevent outcomes. Just one minute.

I am finally awake to the fact that everybody has and is a story, all of them worth telling in their ordinary yet extraordinary way. There are people like my Father who, now that he’s gone, can only live on through my sister and me and on these pages. When we are gone there is a chance that no one will ever say his name again, the thought of that is one of the reasons this blog exists.

DSC_9540

My mother has a very different story, her nieces and nephews have passed on Aunt Marie stories over and over. Those stories are irrevocably linked to their grandmothers. The kids we grew up with will be telling the Rere stories to their kids too. My mother has spread herself far and wide and will continue on in the stories told about her for generations. She is an extraordinary legacy because she’s living her life the way she wants her story told. Does she realize it? Probably not, imagine if she did…

We all live in several different types of communities, there is our actual home community, our spiritual community our work community. All of these communities are rich with personal stories. At every turn there are people you will always remember, whether they know it or not. For instance, I was hired by a man nineteen years ago who will be retiring in October. I have a million stories that could be relayed here, some of them good, some frustrating, some funny, some not so much. The fabric of this relationship has a strong thread of gratitude through it, nubby in places where we don’t see eye to eye, smooth in the places that we’ve laughed so hard we couldn’t breathe and the tears were running down our faces. The sheen is one of respect, the strength admiration, the color vibrant. It’s my guess that after he retires I might not see him again, but I will remember him my whole life. He is living his life the way he wants his story told. I believe he is well aware of it. “Integrity is a powerful force, keeping you alive to others long after you’ve left their presence.” ― Mollie Marti

?????????????

I believe that most of us fall somewhere in the middle, I believe that given the right forum one might really catch on to the possibilities that small things can make a difference and that those small things we change today will define the stories that are told about us. I believe I have the super power of listening and actually hearing beyond the words and that it honors me to be able to tell someone’s story. I believe that I can teach. I believe that I can learn.

I know like I know that I can create a place where stories can be told just like at the kitchen tables of old. I don’t know exactly how I’m going to do it but I want to try. I hope you’ll stick with me as I sort through the zillion thoughts in my head about round tables and discussions. About creating a place where legacies, like my Father’s, can reside safe in the body of work that will be yours, mine and ours. Give me your thoughts, tell me your stories, and let me be your voice. Together this community will come alive and stay alive through moments in time and lives well lived. Come on…

The Power of Collaboration

Posted on by

004

Many ideas grow better when transplanted into another mind than the one where they sprang up. —Oliver Wendell Holmes

This has been an interesting week in terms of collaborating, from business to personal there have been many heads together sharing ideas, enlightening one another or just plain brain storming. I found myself in “meetings” of all kinds that proved very satisfying. As you know that isn’t often the case.

It seems that most misunderstandings start from lone assumptions, yeah yeah I know you’re shocked. You’d be surprised at how long someone can carry an assumption around before they consider its validity.  Such was the case between two mothers who, up until just recently, seemed to make their blended families work just fine. You know the old adage about assuming.  Each believed the other was conspiring against them until one had the courage to call the other and they sat down to join forces and try to understand where things ran amuck.  There was a culprit; it turned out it was neither of them.

Sometimes someone’s burning question becomes a thought provoking discussion.  A Facebook friend had just been informed that one of their former clients had passed. The question, should they delete that person from their phone?  All manner of opinion sprung from that question, all manner of spiritual beliefs and pragmatism showed up in the comment section of the post.  I don’t know what they decided but there was certainly enough food for thought.

Meals and drinks shared with friends were end to end this week.  I was a bit amused at three different women sharing lunch talking about a TV show we had all seen.  I mean we are three distinctly different women, yet there was that one strand, aside from the fact that we were colleagues, that ran through us. Even tiny moments like that blow me away.

Erma Bombeck once said, “It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else”.  I’ve had the distinct honor and pleasure to be part of a friend’s burgeoning new venture and she has been an amazing supporter of Ordinary Legacy. This week each of us has played devil’s advocate, creative genius, or soothsayer to the other. The results are always enlightening, encouraging and creative, this week was no exception.

The point is no one can come into their own without others.  I say this as the daughter of a man who considered himself a loner and may have passed some of those genetics along.  I can certainly be social but I have spent much time on my own and tend to ruminate on things myself.  I am learning that “no one can whistle a symphony” as someone once said.  I started to really understand this just a few years ago, but it actually came home when a dear friend sent me a TED talk by Boyd Varty.  It was about the African concept of Ubuntu: I am because of you.

I hope you’ll be more aware of the collaborative moments in your life and know like you know they make you what you are, good, bad or indifferent.